I was reading my Sisters, sister in laws, blog about her adventures as a missionary. I couldn't help but think about my life and where I am right now. I read her post about getting the call in the mall and I couldn't help but wonder what life would have been like if I had got my call like I had planned. I was so set on going on a mission. But I was so set to find a reason not to go. I was one foot in and one foot out. That was a super hard time for me. I was in a transition phase of my life. I wanted to have faith in the Lord and do what He would have me do and be willing to give up my plans to follow Him. It was hard for me and I didn't want to, but I was determined to try. I never really understood that time until just now.
As I sit here thinking back I realized that I did what I've been taught me whole life without even realizing it. Try! Try your hardest! Do things that are hard and have faith. I had just started dating BJ. I knew on our first night of talking into the wee hours of the morning that we were going to spend the rest of forever together. Its one of the moments that I look back on, and know we both knew at the exact same moment that our lives would include each other for the rest of forever. Granted it took a whole year and 2 months for that to happen, but it did. I also had been working on filling out my papers to serve a mission. BJ knew this and supported me 1000% from the start. He never once told me not to go.
We had decided to get married and told everyone, then we both realized it just wasn't time for that yet. That part was hard for me and I figured that just meant I really was going to serve a mission. So I set to work on the mission. I tired to do what my bishop couselled me to do. I've never studied the scriptures more then at that time. I felt the closet to the Lord during it all! I kept having this feeling that I didn't have to serve a mission. I thought at the time, it was just me trying to get out of it so I would push it away because I for sure thought I just needed to do this. Everyone I talked to told me the same thing. "You know you don't have to serve a mission... you're a girl!" Yes I knew I was girl and they don't have to serve but I felt I just needed too. Now I realized that I needed to work on becoming closer to the Lord and see that even though things are super hard, as long as I have faith things will work out. Times suck but in the end you will be happy.
My bishop didn't approve of BJ but I think he just was set on sending people on missions and he saw BJ as a threat for me not to go. I remember being super nervous as I sat waiting to talk to the stake president. This was it. I talked to him and my papers would be here in 2 weeks. I was still fighting the urge that I wanted to go/didn't want to go. But I knew I wanted to do the right thing and even though it was going to be super hard I was going to do it and not give up! I'm pretty sure that the lesson Heavenly Father wanted me to learn. I get that now. I didn't before.
I need to fight to do the right thing and not give up. Things in life are going to be hard, but it will all be worth it in the end. If you are willing to endure and go through things even though you know there is a simple easier alternative, then you will be blessed and extremely happy in the end. Thats what this life is all about. Not going on a mission but fighting tooth and nail to go just so I could serve the Lord, I was blessed with an amazing husband to be with for eternity and a baby to join us next year!! Yes, our engagement was hard but we learned lots about each other that has blessed our marriage 10 fold! Our engagement made us strong and showed us that no matter what we will fight to be together and never give up.
I think reading hayley's blog was exactly what I needed. Its going to be super hard to move to Idaho. BJ and I were talking about things to get rid of and I got really depressed. I've been blessed to have 2 good incomes these last 6 months. I had an apartment that I lLOVE (minus nasty bugs) and nice things to my name. My apartment looked like a real apartment. And now I have to give it all up to go back to the college life and have an ugly old lady couch and back to cooking boring meals that make the money stretch and not be able to spend any money. So many things that I was finally enjoying and I'm giving up to go back to the poor college life. BJ couldn't be more excited about it. He also has never had a real college experience. He knows what its like to be poor. He did spend his whole mission taking freezing cold showers or getting zapped by the plug in heater on top of the water to make it warmer. He knows but yet he doesn't. I know. I've been there.
After thinking back to the time I was going to serve a mission, I realized that yes, this is going to be hard. I want to go, yet I don't want to go. I know that its going to be very very different then when I was at EA. I know that BJ will make it so much better and yet I know its going to be as bad as it is in my head. But as long as I endure I know we will be ok. Heck if I can make it into the nursing program come fall I'll be able to get my RN in a year and a half and make money while BJ finishes his schooling. (cross your fingers!!) I'm excited to look back on our BYU-I experience and see all the things we will learn. It will be hard but I also know it will be worth it.
side bar--- I didn't end up going on a mission because I wasn't suppose too. That little nagging feeling of "I don't have to go" wasn't just me trying to get out of it. Heavenly Father just knew I needed the experience to learn valuable lessons but never expected me to serve. As I sat talking to the Stake president we went over everything and he knew my feelings. He said he would make me another appointment where we would both sign the papers and send them in. As we were closing he stopped and looked at me and said " You know you don't have to go." Thats when I knew I really didn't have to and it was enough that I tried and was willing.(thank goodness!!! ) =]
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