So I go to work and the 2nd week and and one of my seniors comes up to me and says, Miss... I need to go get my one pills... I'm pregnant. I said oh, ok, how far along... about 6-7 weeks...
me.... stunned saddening slience... then ok go get them.
I tried not to think about. Then the next week from another student... Oh she is working here cuz she is pregnant. Then another ,oh by the way she is pregnant.
WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!?!?!
All of them are about 6- 11 weeks along! So while I'm in my own little tourtous hell I get to watch as 3 of my seniors bellies grow the way mine should have been growing.
3 babies get to come into this world to single underage girls. one baby doesn't get to come into the world to a loving well prepared married couple.
I'm sure a miscarriage is hard for anyone that didn't want one, but for me I've been holding my head up high but dying inside.
We went to the temple on Saturday and thinking I would finally feel some peace, I realized how utterly scared I am to even try again at some point and how much I want to try again.
It gets harder and harder every day. I'm trying to find the lesson to be learned or the strength I'm suppose to find. But it just doens't seem to be happening.
I work with babies daily. I am now starting class which is all about parenting, families, human development. I'm surounded by things mothers do and should do.
Yet i'm not a mother. and want to be so bad it KILLS ME!!!!!
What do I do? I can't run away. I can't quit my job or school or stop going to church and watching moms with their babies. Or listening to all of the ladies at church talk about being moms.
I read a talk from last april's conference, Turn to the Lord, when I was in the start of miscarrying. IT scared me to death. We read again last night.
It was comforting and had the answer to how to keep going on.
" Hold on thy way. Giving up is not an option. And without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. NEVER LET AN EARTHLY CIRUMSTANCE DISABLE YOU SPIRITUALLY."
me.... stunned saddening slience... then ok go get them.
I tried not to think about. Then the next week from another student... Oh she is working here cuz she is pregnant. Then another ,oh by the way she is pregnant.
WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!?!?!
All of them are about 6- 11 weeks along! So while I'm in my own little tourtous hell I get to watch as 3 of my seniors bellies grow the way mine should have been growing.
3 babies get to come into this world to single underage girls. one baby doesn't get to come into the world to a loving well prepared married couple.
I'm sure a miscarriage is hard for anyone that didn't want one, but for me I've been holding my head up high but dying inside.
We went to the temple on Saturday and thinking I would finally feel some peace, I realized how utterly scared I am to even try again at some point and how much I want to try again.
It gets harder and harder every day. I'm trying to find the lesson to be learned or the strength I'm suppose to find. But it just doens't seem to be happening.
I work with babies daily. I am now starting class which is all about parenting, families, human development. I'm surounded by things mothers do and should do.
Yet i'm not a mother. and want to be so bad it KILLS ME!!!!!
What do I do? I can't run away. I can't quit my job or school or stop going to church and watching moms with their babies. Or listening to all of the ladies at church talk about being moms.
I read a talk from last april's conference, Turn to the Lord, when I was in the start of miscarrying. IT scared me to death. We read again last night.
It was comforting and had the answer to how to keep going on.
" Hold on thy way. Giving up is not an option. And without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. NEVER LET AN EARTHLY CIRUMSTANCE DISABLE YOU SPIRITUALLY."
As I read that, I felt...ok. I can't let this consume my life. I just have to be a good person. Go to church. Do my calling (which is a ward missionary.. i have more issues with that). Go to work and teach the soon to be mothers just how to be mothers. Go to school. Learn as much as I can.
Does that make the pain, the frustration, not understanding go away. NO!
But it does give me hope. It gives me something to think about when I just want to take my husband and go far far far away. It pulls out of my despair.
Keep on truckin right?! ugh =]
3 comments:
Oh Krystal...I had no idea that you had miscarried until I read this. My heart is sad for you. Chris and I had a miscarriage when we were trying to get pregnant too, and it was such an emotional time. I know exactly how you feel and how much it hurts. I felt like I had done something wrong or that it was my fault. But truthfully, nobody really knows why miscarriages occur, but I do KNOW that you and Bruce will be blessed with a baby when God knows its the right time. I know its so hard to deal with right now, and nothing I can say will alleviate your pain, but I'm here for you if you need to talk. And holding on to your faith is such a wonderful place to go. It helped me so much during my struggle. Love you!
Misty
my sweet krystal pystol... I wondered if you were having a hard time with this. I remember you as a little girl always being the "mommie" I did my share of babysitting all of your babies. You are doing such a great service for the girls in school.
Heavenly Father loves you and one day you will look back on this experience and you will be grateful for this time to 'contemplate life's directions".
remember, PRAY ALWAYS, that you may come off congueor...D&C 10:5
CONQUER doesn't only mean to defeat, but also "to overcome by mental or moral effort."
Ilove baby bear....Mama Bear
It is amazing how little it makes sense who gets babies in this life and when. My sweet Elyott came eons before i ever thought i'd be ready, and we figured out life just the way Heavenly Father wanted us to. I can only imagine its the same the other way around. Something is preparing you to love and appreciate your little baby (that will finally come) even more than you ever knew you could. Being a young mother is a challenge, but no matter when it happens, it will be perfect timing :) I know the ache in your heart...Heavenly Father will fill it.
thank you for saying hello, i love meeting new bloggers :)
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