And so it begins...

I keep trying to make it to the store to buy a cute journal to write down all my prego thoughts and concerns. Then I realized... how much I hate hand writing things. So this blog now turns into the prego journal that we can look back on some day.

Sometime in mid Aug (i'm thinking it was the 14th) BJ and I went to the temple. I remember having the feeling I was prego again. I was so worried. BJ tried to comfort me but I just didn't know what I would do if I had to go throught all the pain and guilt again. But yet I so wanted to be pregnant and have everything work out!!!I tried not to think about.

Then started the non stop werid feelings. I am a healthy person. I always have been. But now my stomach was always doing something weird and I was always aware of it. Not queasy or pain, but aware of my inner body. Something that made my mind wonder.

Then come the last week of Aug. I always help get the lunch together and take it to the kids. We had fresh cooked mushrooms that day and as soon as I pulled off the tinfoil I gagged. I couldn't stand the smell. I fled from the room and had to covor my nose to take the kids their meal. The rest of that week me and meat were not friends. I mostly ate fruit. That was the only thing that sound good to me.

While working with my students on their pregnancy packet, I thought about a pee test. I didn't know if it would even be time to pee on the stick but thought maybe I should try. I counted the days since I thought it happend (Aug 13th) and realized it would be enough days to get a real result. I then decided I wasn't going to test. I didn't want to know anything until October.

BJ and I were out doing our weekly visits when I finally said, OK stop at CVS we are getting a pee test. Bewildered, BJ pulled in. That was about September 8th. We got home and I had to go so I ran to the bathroom. It says to wait at least 3 mins to get a result. I got it in about 5 secs. I showed BJ and we just kind of sat there. I left the pee stick on the bathtub for the rest of week. I wasn't sure if I should make an appointment or wait it out. I decided I was going to keep my plan and wait until October. Then that Monday I didn't go into work. Lots had been going on so I stayed home and did homework. I thought well its better to be safe then sorry, so I made an appointment.

September 15 I walked in the office and filled out a pregnancy questionarie. I couldn't believe they were having me feel all this out just cuz of postivite pee stick. I kept thinking they would treat me differently with the recent miscarriage and all. I waited til the let me pee and waited for my Dr to come in. I just thought they would a pee test and make me give some blood. She suprised me when she whisked me off to the ultra sound room. I was very timed and praying the while time and too nervous to really show any emotion. As soon as I saw the heart beating I just wanted to watch it the rest of the day. As the doctor talked to me I just kind of sat there with no emotion showing. Then I walked out the door and the biggest smile ever was on my face. I couldn't wait to go to BJ's office and show him. I also was extra senstive about driving all of a sudden. As soon as I got the office I waited to see if he was there and walked back to him. Sitting there showing him and telling him what happened was by far the sweetest experience I've had since the day we got sealed.

The very next day changed my world as I know it. I woke up and felt great then BAM queasy! Nothing but queasy!!! and soo tired. I could function but if I laid down I was out. I take at least 1 nap every day (sometimes 2 on the weekend) and am in bed by 10. I sleep in as late as I can. I now eat little at each meal and snacks through out the day. I smell the most random things and some smell automaticly make me gag. If I'm up walking around and doing a lot the queasier I am. If I sit in the up right postion and read I get queasy. If I lay down and read I'm lucky if I make it 3 pages before my eyes start to close. Not good when I have 6 textbook to read each week. I'm super clingly to my husband. I get asked every 5 mins how i'm feeling from him. I try and tell him all that i'm feeling so he feels apart of it.

All in all I'm loving this. Yeah it sucks majorly and I just want to sit on my butt all day and junk food grosses me out as do most foods unless its been 3 hours then I know i'm going to eat so I can have my 10 mins of wonderfulness. I can't wait until my next appointment and we both get to see whats going on inside. Its amazing how differently I already do things because I want the best for this child. All my books say that once people become parents things change and the grow a lot! Even if they don't want too. I'm starting to understand lots of things that you just don't get until you live it. =]

Got Balls??

We got one right here!!!

We were planning on keeping this one under wraps until the 3rd month when miscarriage risks reduce by A LOT, but I couldn't keep it in. I was super worried that I was prego again but yet excited. I was going to wait it out. Then I finally just wanted to know if the smells and nausea and dull ache were from sickness or baby. So I peed on the stick (how the heck do you spell pee in the past tense??) It was postive! So then I wasn't sure if I should go see the doctor until I thought I was further along. Most times doctors wont do an ultra sound until at least 7-8 weeks. But I was having a dull ache so I decided it would be best to go in and see what they think. As soon as my doctor walked in she wisked me off to the ultra sound room.

We did the goop on the belly and I was sooooooo nervous!!!! We saw a circle which she told me was a yoke sac. That was very very good knows. Then was the "other" ultra sound and we couldn't really see anything until she said oh wait see that "glob of tissue" thats the baby!!! She played around a bit then......... I SAW THE HEART BEATING!!!! It was hard to keep it on the screen and I had to hold my breath so we could see it for more then one second. I couldn't believe that a tiny heart was beating!!!! My doctor was so excited and was practilly jumping for joy! She is amazing!! They gave me a cute goody bag and I'm going back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. We coudln't really put a date to how far along or when I'm due. The best guess was almost 6 weeks. So we are hoping in 2 weeks the baby will have formed more so we can measure a more exact time frame.

I ran off to BJ's office to show him. He didn't come with because we thought it was just be a pee test and blood work. He was sad he missed it but is for sure coming next time.

We are hoping and praying this little person sticks around so we get to meet 'um!! I know its still possible for a miscarriage but I am already in love! That was our little heart going a mile a minute and I will never forget it!!!!!! =]

I'm truly gratful for this chance to be pregnant!! I'm even loving all the nausea and smells I pick up and wanting to go to sleep at 8 every night!!!! =] =] =] =] =] =]

WE finally broke down...

AND GOT A TV!

we have been using our projector that we LOVE but since we bought a

GAME CUBE!!

We needed a tv so bj could see what was going on when he played Zelda.

"The town to tough to Die!"

We went down to Tombstone for our labor day weekend. The pictures are in reverse order.

Saturday we dressed up in our matchy cowboy girl and headed down to the OK corral.

We watched a really boring gun show.
They have a museum around the gun show area so we took pictures in a cool old buggy. We didn't go on the tour with the real one cuz we ran out of money. So this had to do.

We stopped at Boothill graveyard. IT was just a bunch a rocks and tombstones. But this picture made it worth it. Look closely. its "Winers and Balls"

On Sunday we spent the day hiking and hanging out. After our hike we stopped off in the very small town and had a lunch in the cute gazebo. The town reminded me of the Gilmore girls.We tried to find some mountains to hike but we couldn't so we hiked in the desert. At the end of the hike BJ found this cool spider wed. It was like a tunnel. He was pretty impressed by it
I got sunburned the whole weekend. Forgot the sunscreen.
Friday night we got to go watch some bull riding. The guys were just little boys really so no one stayed on the whole 8 secs. The thing i thought was most impressive was this lady. she was at least 60 years old and she was out riding the horse and doing tricks. The horse did a bunch of tricks too. Like lay down, bow, count. It was pretty cool.
The law dogs and ladies were in town so we stopped to see their show. They are from California and they did 11 segments from the movie "tombstone". I had never seen it but they did a good job. This gun fight was really fun to watch!!!! We also had dinner there and they had the best hamburgers and tots around!!!
This is our little campsite. THERE WERE TONS OF FLIES!!!
This is our brand new tent!!! I was very very impressed by it! I thought it was going to be really small but had room for our queen air mattress and room to spare. You can't see it but we are on the very back end of an RV park. That was the only place we could find to camp with potties. We also had a pool too!

Mountain Bikers

So as you know we got crazy cool bikes. Well we rode the canal and found we can go FOREVER along and have underpasses for all the major roades. We loved it!!! We had a chance to open up about stuff thats always been a touchy subject but on our bikes we were free to talk and enjoy each other. Then BJ wanted to go riding at night. So we bought some cool lights and then we got some sweet helments. We geared up with iphone, ipod, and camelbacks and set out.

North Mountain is about 3 miles from our house so at about 8ish at night we took off toward it. We got to the mountain and went to the back side. Its pretty flat back there so we took off. I wasn't thinking and followed my husband and he took a small hill that wasn't expecting and almost fell off my bike. ( I raise my seat so I can fully extend my legs so my tip toes barley touch the ground. Which i found out makes it hard when you are mountain biking because you can't put your feet down to stop from falling over).

I had never been real mountain biking before. I have always wanted to but the big hills seemed way to hard for me. Being on the flat was nice but I wasn't expecting all the rocks!!!!! BJ took off and had just had my little light and TONS of random jutted rocks and sand to deal with. He would warn me about the sharp turns and the sudden little dips and climbs. One dip was all rock and again I almost lost my life. Then we got to the point where we could just go all the way and make a circle home. IT was all down hill to the road. I kept the brakes on the whole way. BAD IDEA!!

My bike was going crazy! I fished tailed a lot! I almost ate it a lot. I got to BJ and he said I wasn't allowed to put the brakes on cuz this was the Thrill part

( we went to wet n wild... don't go it SUCKS.. and he was crying about the long rides and how amusement parks suck and lines aren't worth it. I explained that you waited 2 hours for the oh so very the top 30-60 sec thrill from the ride and that the 2 hour wait was soooooo worth it! He didn't quite believe me. We found out he just doesn't get as excited as I do so therefore he misses out of the thrill).

I was way scared cuz its dark outside and I can only see what is right in front of my bike and there are a lot of rocks and its super fast!!! He explanied that the street ride to get here was the line to wait and this part was the thrill so I therefore could not put on the brakes. Ok so i did it!

AHHHHH was it scary! I screamed a lot. I did put the brakes on once but it was a whole lot better then what I did before. He was right. It was the thrill part and so worth it.

WE made it 8.32 miles in 58 minutes! We love riding out bikes!!!!

Quadruple date with the Balls

Michele has been wanting to ask a guy in the singles ward out on a date. So she asked me if we would wanna double. We were all for it. Then we thought we should make Matt find a date and we could triple! Fun right!! Then Dan heard us talking and said he wanted to come so we did a quadruple date! I texted the guy from michele's phone (it was her first date since her divorce). Then I called the girl Dan took cuz he couldn't find a date and it was the night before the date and we had already got his tickets so I found him a date.

We all met at Micheles and then Danny had told his date to come an hour later then what we had planned. So we had to go pick her up then hurry to the 5 n diner. We all ate and told stories. Bj and I were the main entertainment with me telling him to mellow out and him going crazy. He gets super excited and hyper around big groups of people. Then all us Balls were talking and telling stories and all the dates were just sitting there very awkwardly. I thought it was pretty funny. Then we hurried out to Jesterz! They were soooo funny. We all had to slit up cuz we got there right when the show started. Best improv comdey place to go. Most of the people are LDS and its for families. I went to the Chandler YSA ward with one of the guys in the show. We were all very entertained. Then it was off to Michele's for homemade cheesecake.

By that time BJ was done being around people so we split at like 10:30. It was bed time anyways. All in all we had a lot of fun. It was a success for Michele's first date back and everyone else had a good time. Last time all us Balls will all be together to go on a date!

From left to right, Me, Jenny (Dan's date, I went to high school with her but she was 3-4 years younger than me), Dan ( bro in law), BJ (husband =]), Michele (sis in law), Jonathon (Michele's date), Matt ( bro in law), and Lauralie (Matt's date)

Hard times

So I go to work and the 2nd week and and one of my seniors comes up to me and says, Miss... I need to go get my one pills... I'm pregnant. I said oh, ok, how far along... about 6-7 weeks...

me.... stunned saddening slience... then ok go get them.

I tried not to think about. Then the next week from another student... Oh she is working here cuz she is pregnant. Then another ,oh by the way she is pregnant.

WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?!?!?!

All of them are about 6- 11 weeks along! So while I'm in my own little tourtous hell I get to watch as 3 of my seniors bellies grow the way mine should have been growing.

3 babies get to come into this world to single underage girls. one baby doesn't get to come into the world to a loving well prepared married couple.

I'm sure a miscarriage is hard for anyone that didn't want one, but for me I've been holding my head up high but dying inside.

We went to the temple on Saturday and thinking I would finally feel some peace, I realized how utterly scared I am to even try again at some point and how much I want to try again.

It gets harder and harder every day. I'm trying to find the lesson to be learned or the strength I'm suppose to find. But it just doens't seem to be happening.

I work with babies daily. I am now starting class which is all about parenting, families, human development. I'm surounded by things mothers do and should do.

Yet i'm not a mother. and want to be so bad it KILLS ME!!!!!

What do I do? I can't run away. I can't quit my job or school or stop going to church and watching moms with their babies. Or listening to all of the ladies at church talk about being moms.

I read a talk from last april's conference, Turn to the Lord, when I was in the start of miscarrying. IT scared me to death. We read again last night.

It was comforting and had the answer to how to keep going on.
" Hold on thy way. Giving up is not an option. And without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. NEVER LET AN EARTHLY CIRUMSTANCE DISABLE YOU SPIRITUALLY."

As I read that, I felt...ok. I can't let this consume my life. I just have to be a good person. Go to church. Do my calling (which is a ward missionary.. i have more issues with that). Go to work and teach the soon to be mothers just how to be mothers. Go to school. Learn as much as I can.

Does that make the pain, the frustration, not understanding go away. NO!

But it does give me hope. It gives me something to think about when I just want to take my husband and go far far far away. It pulls out of my despair.

Keep on truckin right?! ugh =]